Friday, January 13, 2017

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Denial on Day Three

I love you very much but a lot of things happened and some of them were very hurtful to me.




Eat Worms and Die

When your sponsor and best friend of 19 years tells you to eat worms and die, you know it's time for an attitude adjustment.

You know you've advanced somewhat psychologically when you can accept her "input" with gratitude, well perhaps there are a few moments of hurt vanity. For a while I considered simply casting her out of my life for good, but that would be foolish and repeating a harmful pattern from my family history.









Monday, June 27, 2016

Headache Free on Day 6

Beautiful new day. No pain.
Go on twitter.
Not a journalist, not a pundit, nothing to self-promote.
Just addicted.

20 minutes later.
Bad mood.
Still no headache.

Hurricane is missing. I think he went to die somewhere.
He's been having a happy life for a year here.


First day of no pain after five days of pain. It's almost over and I can't wait to go to bed again.

Feeling guilty I didn't do the million and one things I had on the list.
What list? I know it's around here somewhere.

I've also got my Mama's last list. Don't die with a list .....

Be like Hurricane. He never has a list except eat, drink, sleep and go outside to sleep in the sun. At well over age 10 and a long busy life as unneutered Tom behind him, he began to play again while living here. I caught him chasing his tail.

I always thought I'd play when I got old. Never realized I'd get old from chronic illness before I got the chance to play.

#Migraine #ChronicMigraine #IdiopathicIntercranialHypertension


Saturday, June 25, 2016

Doldrums on Day 5

Not so sick, not so well.
Just kind of blah.

Able to do gardening. The bees are happy with the scabiosas out front.
A tiny caterpillar yellow and black eating the family jewels milkweed crunch crunch.

Just sitting here mostly waiting to die.

Friday, June 24, 2016

A New Era

Delirious on Day 4 (of #migraine)

Migraine calendars are absurd. There's an assumption of discrete time measurement; i.e., when it began, when it ended. Also an assumption of discrete causality; i.e., what worked for relief, what was the trigger.

The ordinary parts of my brain don't seem to function well enough to notice and record all of these factors when I'm in migraine mode. That's all too linear.

My brain was never that detail oriented to begin with and now it's quite hopeless for me to maintain that level of analytical documentation. So arbitrary really....when it comes to thoughts, brain waves, behavior of matter and energy....

I have to admit that getting off a paper migraine calendar and onto an app has helped a bit.

It's a day when I must be somewhere at a certain time this morning, unfortunately it will not be to earn money.  The blog will continue. There will be less spellcheck and more truth.

My life flashes before my eyes often, little segments of it. This morning it was Faye's first communion cerca 1987. Silly because none of us are Catholic but during the first grade I had her in the Notre Dames des Victoires elementary school in San Francisco so she did the ceremony with the other children.


In my life review flash of this a.m. I was seeing the event through the eyes of my dad and Faye's paternal grandparents who came to the ceremony and reception. They were about the age I am now. I was 28 with a 6 year old daughter and no husband.

Seeing things now through a different level magnification, the same scene in the past through a different lens. Not a completely different view but with an added layer of subjectivity thus expanding a bit toward the objective.

When I'm an angel what will the viewing mechanism show?



Thursday, June 23, 2016

DENIAL on DAY 3?

When I load my Migraine App "Migraine Buddy"  I see "Denial on Day 3" and have no idea how it got there. Did the app makers put it there? Did I write it in a fog of denial?

I've begun to compose a new one each day.
Yesterday was Doggedness on Day 2
Slug down the triptan and trudge through the motions of a basic day. A basic day for a 57 year old woman with Intercranial Hypertension and Chronic Migraine is very very basic.

Today is Day 3 and the triptan hasn't worn off yet so feels almost like a typical morning, at least there is no pain and I could fathom the idea of an errand involving driving.

The problem is that there are so many errands left undone and the executive function of my brain is a bit fuzzy, so what errand should I do? Perhaps I should have planned last night, just IN CASE I felt almost normal this morning.

But I gave up planning and expectations.

Meanwhile the cranio-sacral fluid is going swish, swish in my ears and my vision is blurry. Oh right, I have an appointment with the opthamologist tomorrow to check whether my optic nerve is being affected by the pressure of the spinal fluid.

I'd better save some spoons for a drive to Oakland in the morning.

Bye for now