Butterfly blog- in the thick of the chaos

Two monarchs eclosed sometime late last night. There's too much pollution from the California fires to release them today. I'm not disturbing them, they remain basically in the same shape as they emerged, but their wings have fully unfolded and dried. Later they'll want to spread them and fly away. I'll try to put it off for a while.
They're brothers of Speedy. I rarely name the creatures, Speedy acquired her name naturally as a tiny larvae making repeated trips to the top of the caterpillar habitat long before time for her to pupate. I'd tempt her back down to fresh milkweed leaves, but an hour later find her on the ceiling again.
Last week he eclosed, Not realizing it was Speedy (number 49) I took her out to Tutu's Tot Lot (my backyard) to release her. She flew straight up into the air over my head. I tracked her until I couldn't anymore. Very distinctive. Forest Peter loved hearing the story about how Speedy blasted straight up into the air like that.

Anniversary of a Suicide

I had a lover.
He shot himself at Swimmer's Delight.
He gave up right as we began tilting back toward the light.
December 22.

December 17-19 he drove the 500 mile round trip to visit me, and return to Eureka.
December 20 he rested- he was very ill by that time.
December 21 he visited his best friend and longtime co-sponsor
December 22 he drove to the river bank and shot himself dead.

I got a text message from the Humboldt County Coroner, "please call us as soon as possible".

Depression is chronic emotional pain.
It increases geometrically- out of proportion.

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Denial on Day Three

I love you very much but a lot of things happened and some of them were very hurtful to me.

Eat Worms and Die

When your sponsor and best friend of 19 years tells you to eat worms and die, you know it's time for an attitude adjustment.

You know you've advanced somewhat psychologically when you can accept her "input" with gratitude, well perhaps there are a few moments of hurt vanity. For a while I considered simply casting her out of my life for good, but that would be foolish and repeating a harmful pattern from my family history.